Layout: x o x o
Inspiration: I ; II
Color codes: I
Icon: I
made of win.
Thursday, October 29, 2009 @ 21:09
Thankful, still thankful.
To all 18 girls, 2009 B@S - I'm going to miss every moment we had laughing, crying, eating, stressing together. To all the teachers, advisors, mentors, parents, coaches - you guys are the best. To everyone in 3PR - stuck together, laughing at teachers, doing well for math, inside jokes and all that. To the guides who have just coloured my life with all that BOOMZ, you are the best. (:
Don't want to face that next year we'll be conquering the Os, and the following year I'd be off (hopefully?). Don't want to face that I'm growing up. For once I'd say - I'd love to repeat this year. Despite the hell B@S brought, despite the countless times I've cried this year, no matter how suffocated the academics drowned me. I've never been so thankful, so happy that I've been through it, and so nostalgic because I never ever want this feeling to fade.
King of endless worth, no one could express how much you deserve.
When we go back to basics - without the commercialisation, without all that glamour and all that jazz - when you rip off all the facades, all that makes it shimmy shiny, what you get left. That basic, fundamental - yet that's all it is about, that's all everything will ever be. It all starts there anyway. That's why our world has become so artifical. Everyone takes everything at face value, or maybe, no one takes anything at face value. But the fact of the matter is - nowadays, face value counts as nothing.
Who do I belong to, where do I belong - the revelations have been pouring in one by one in these 2 weeks - God's been telling me stuff, thankfully at a manageble pace, for me to think, absorb, but not stop. Haven't had time to stop yet, in 3 weeks. I strive on being busy though, which is quite interesting. I doubt I'd be able to survive in a country with a slow pace forever.
I'm going to miss Team Allegro, so so so much, really cannot express how fortunate I feel, how blessed I am.
To all the adults (except family)in this world who have ever looked down on me, who have told me I'm wrong and who have really pissed me off to no end, for failing to understand my standpoint and always thinking you are right. When I get so angry at all of this. This is why I want to succeed, this is why I want to be successful. To be better than everyone who has ever looked down on me, to everyone who has told me I'm wrong. To know that looking back from where I am, I can laugh it off because you are nothing. Because you were wrong to say I was wrong, because you were wrong to look down on me.
And this is why you cannot compare our generation to your generation. You may say we are just a bunch of apathetic teenagers that are aimless and just muck around and get ourselves into all kinds of trouble. You may say that we do not have an idea of what we are doing right now, and we'll know "when we grow up". But no - you cannot expect us to be the same as you, you cannot expect us to have the same ideals as you - because simply put, we won't. What influenced us to become like this, and what influenced you to become like you are too different. We'll never turn into you and you better know it. Similarly, we cannot expect our future generation to be like us - because again, they just won't. Believe it or not, I believe our generation is much better than you think, even if you think we're just a hopeless bunch of losers. Never underestimate the power of influence, and don't be blinded.
Yet to everyone who has taught me a thing or two, good or bad, made me feel euphoric, and made me feel like shit. I guess I still have to thank you all, because all of this shapes me to be what I am shapes how I feel and shapes how I think. In the end I'd become a better person anyway. So to everybody who has taught me something, whether you know it or not, and no matter how hard it is to say - thank you.
Honestly right now, I'm glad we're a team of 6. I'm glad we're not standing alone, or I just would have died. I don't know if I'm strong enough to conquer this - it's getting tougher, and I just don't know if I have the ability to work things out. 3 more weeks before school ends. 3 more weeks and I will get to breathe. It's hard to imagine how fast time flies, it's hard to imagine that this whole year I've never got anytime to breathe at all. Yet in 2.5 weeks time, for the first time in my life, I drop everything and will get to breathe.
For all the arrows that have flew right into me, my group, my friends, my class, for all that's been said, and for how much I've been hurt. (Which by the way - this year was really hell for many many many reasons), it's finally time to give them up. In 3 weeks, it will drop, and in 3 weeks I will find myself in all this chaos again. There's a reason I've been so unstable, and that's because I've been hiding behind too many masks I've lost myself. I forgot to be who I truly am, and I forgot what I truly am.
And to all who have stuck by me - you do not know how thankful I am for every single one of you, for what every single one of you did.
Sometimes I just want to sleep forever, hide behind and never face what will come tomorrow. When it gets worse, I just wish for Heaven.
Today was the last day all 3 teams stayed back till 6+, carrying their laptops and trying as hard as possible to compress slides, cut script. Today was the last day we'd spend the whole day doing bas, fighting for food. And tomorrow it all comes down to this. It's so nostalgic, yet the stakes are so high.
I guess I failed to see how blessed I truly am. I forgot to be thankful for what I've gotten, and I forgot to remember how gracious God has been.
Honestly speaking, I couldn't ask for any more, I've been blessed with so much and I can't express how grateful I am for this, really. To come in, get your morale put down, so low so low, you can only be demoralised. But to rise up, knowing that I have the capability to do so. Knowing the people around me believe in me, support me.
To know that once I put my trust in God, He truly did the rest. This year has been one heck of a train ride, much more than that actually.
2 more papers; 2 more days (and I'm missing it already). I know I can speak with conviction, I know I can convince everyone, I just need to memorise my script.
Can't take this any longer, I didn't ask for this.
At the end of the day - Remain thankful, joyful, and grateful in all circumstances. Continue praying, never stop. I know God's grace will carry me through. And at this point it's nothing but His grace, when all else fails and when everything becomes dark. I'm still thankful for my God. (Thank God for my results esp)
I'd never drop Chinese in my life - it's so different, it allows me to express myself in a different way. It's kinda like it's more emotional, deeper, it touches you more than conventional English, yet it's really direct and straight to the point, you don't even need big words.
--
The world we live in is made out of lies, and the way we live are just sets of continuous games. It's hard to find genuine and authentic instances any more - and when they happen, that's when I'm really thankful.
Hate all this drama, just sometimes wish the world could be a better place. Wait for Heaven.
Idk right now, I feel really guilty that I've been taking everything in my life for granted. I forgot for a whole long time to actually be thankful that I'm like "Food? Worry about food?" I was thinking today that I'd never really experience poverty, and hopefully never will. So it's quite funny. These past 2 days, and not only just after today, I kinda appreciated these 10 months despite there only being 2 weeks left. Yes it has been shit and all that jazz, and it'll probably kill totally, but honestly the time spent not killing each other was really really worth it though it ripped me empty of everything else I wanted in my life.
And now, when 2009 is almost over, I realised the biggest mistake I made was not being myself - because I was too preoccupied trying to adapt and just meet the expectations of everybody I was too tired to even try.
Tomorrow there's actually school, it won't be 8-6 business, and that's 8). Love Allegro and all the rest right now. But reality check - there's still a whole lot of work to do rn.
"How come your vocab is so good?" "Scrabble, the key is scrabble - scrabble is the new black." Screw reading man, I'm just gna scrabble.
And at the very least I can say that I've completed 10 months of this nonsense, and only have another 2 weeks left.
Sometimes I kinda wish I never met you. I really do.
I also feel sad that sometimes people are trying so hard for me to feel so much better - to express their care and concern but I just don't feel it. I mean I really really am so thankful for everyone. Which is why I treasure like everyone a ton, especially those who really know me. Anyway Justine, how y'holding up there? I really really miss you right now. I miss so many people right now this is insane. B@S is draining me ttm, I miss my classmates and who not. I miss practically everyone I know and not in B@S. This is ... just wrecking my soul out of all this nonsense.
And it's so sickening cause right now the slightest of things will upset me. If I carry this on to tomorrow and the other 3 are not there to help me lighten the mood I will explode into a million tears. In fact I may come to school and start crying. And I may just cry myself to sleep.
Really really can't wait, right now we're on to a single digit, unless we win this round. Then it'll be longer.
The world is catching up to you, but you're running away to chase your dream. (I'd really wish I had the ability to run away to chase my dream, the courage and all that).
At times like these, I really really wish I was made out of steel. I wished nothing could bring me down, and nothing anyone said, did or even thought would affect me. But I realise that I'm not, no matter how convinced I was of it at first. It's just not possible. In fact right now, every little thing said or done is ripping me apart, I'm so tired of all this, but I know it's not time to throw in the towel.
500 Days Of Summer
I know I will conquer with Christ by my side, and I know that after these 2 or 3 weeks of hell, it will all be over and no one can said I've lost, or I've failed, because I know how much of a winner I truly am, and I know how much I have conquered. In 2 or 3 weeks time, I will regain my full social life and I will play like no one's business because truly - no one's gonna stop me now.
But for now - I resign to my fate, and since nothing can change it, I better just take it in my stride, it's better than moping around (though I already have). 1 more @#$%ing year, and I'll try my best to get myself out of here a-sap.
#1. I've been such a wreck this year - it's amusing what 2009 has turned me into. That's why this afternoon at 12.41 I was the happiest girl in the world - because I know I conquered.
#2. 500 Days Of Summer, Fame!, Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs
#3. English was terribly disappointing and A Math was a disaster, but who cares?
#4. Photo taking with Kelly (y)! If you're a good model tell meeee.
#5. Won't let anything bring me down. :>
#6. Need time to sit down and think for a day or two alone - but don't have that luxury of time anymore
#7. I RLY RLY RLY RLY RLY RLY WANNA GO OUT.
#8. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
"Dannii Minogue has now apologised approximately 48 times over her throwaway comment on The X Factor regarding Danyl's sexuality. (The Sun) And even sister's Kylie's had her say, tweeting about it late last night." - 3am.co.uk
I honestly think this is ridiculous, but Simon was so sweet and hugged her during an ad break cue: "awwwww" Okay, so for now I know she won't get sacked. And OMG I AM SUPER SUPRISED. Everyone in X Factor can actually do fast songs !!! And I listened to Lady Gaga and now I know why Kandy Rain just cannot make it.
SCHOOOOOL'S OUT. OR AT LEAST EXAMS ARE. I'm so freaking happy alright whoohoo! Or at least I was really really over the moon today. In that short one hour. Still better than nothing - I felt like I just owned. I truly truly felt I conquered. And it was a nice feeling.
B@S was better than usual which was rather ... nice I suppose - we were coming up with the cheesiest lines and fighting over food and making a lot of noise and TAKE THAT RULE THE WORLD.
Yea then I went home, caught the results show almost died from a panic attack because it's so freaking intense and scary. My gosh - and something really brought me back down. :( I wish I could of been happier for a little bit more. It was so short and this feels no different except my brain is a lot clearer. I need time to think, and just do nothing. Sometimes I really really can't wait for NZ and really really want to get into Cheltenham (X FACTOR/BGT FTFW).
OWWW. Ouch. X Factor has just gotten so nasty. the judges ... do you really have to keeeeep contesting to seeing who's the best, by seeing who can be the biggest ... bitch? (That's so GG/90210/Melrose Place/ANTM, NOT X FACTOR)
Starting to get a little hang of A Math, hopefully it doesn't screw my results all round.
Anyway CG today was pure win because Marvin came back (welcome back budddyyy), and I went on a high about Chimpanzees, Apples and Bananas and got Linus to join in !!! Haha seriously that was epic. So I've got quite a busy November up for me but it's quite interesting and it looks rather promising so that's exciting, at least I won't be using 100% of my time watching and rewatching shows.
Oh yea, at church we also went on a high about cute guys *SCREAMMMMM!* HAHAHAHAHA. Yea, the few of us ... *sigh*, but it was all fun and super super coolzxz 8) Oh and Daoni's sermon was super super funny. Really. (:
"What does Santification mean?" *... Uses watermelon analogy* "SPLIT APART!"
Oh and while I'm at it - Dominique's very very epic win @
Me "I want to go to Dubai, it's so pretty!" D "... I've been to Dubai" M"YOU HAVE !!!!" D"Why do you want to go to Dubai?" M"Because it's so pretty!!!" D"Hmm, India in general is very polluted" M "India? DUBAI'S NOT IN INDIA!!!!"
... The world is cruel, it is very cruel. Can't wait for heaven. ;)
Take That - Rule The World Starship - Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now.
So after yesterday's terrible, horrible and vegetable papers - I decided to give myself a break. (: SO I MARATHONED X FACTORR - Boot Camp 1,2, Judges Houses 1,2, and Xtra Factor - Audi's 5,6, Bootcamp 1,2 and Judge's Houses 1,2. And suprisingly I only cried 3 or 4 times which really isn't too bad. But I laughed until I almost died, and there were some pretty good songs. Like Last Request and Breakeven.
-- Then, I found out that NASA wants to bomb our moon cuz apparently there isn't enough to bomb on earth, and Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. Thank God X Factor makes me happy, because the world sure has it's fair share of news that saddens everyone.
So I slept at 3+ and woke up at 12nn, went out for lunch and now it's 4:30pm and I really need to do A Math but I'm so tired and will probably watch even more tonight. HAHA. Sigh, still have GG and 90210 and Melrose Place darn it. >:(
I'd really wish for a moment, just a little bit, that everyone around me will stop telling me what's right and what's wrong - stop telling me what to do. That everyone will let me live my life like I'm the only person on this planet, and for once, things will go my way
Even for a little bit. I believe I'd feel a ton happier.
(When things go your way - don't take them for granted)
Anyway, I really want Minouge to win this round even though I love Cole more. Hey what am I saying - I should be rooting for the contestants, not the judges. So anyway, I prefer Jamie over Danyl for the over 25s, then it's Stacey for the Girls (WHO IS SUPER ADORABLE), Lloyd for the guys (can't stand the fact that Cheryl didn't put in Daniel or Ethan (who is the cutest !!!)) and for the groups - it's John and Edward hands down. Though Louis is seriously super biased. (Didn't think they'd make it through though!)
RIGHT ABOUT THE COOLEST VID EVAAAAAAA. (The girls + girl judges are so frickin emotional but it's quite emotional too!)
--
3 down, I'm nearly there - at least my brain feels much freer.
Goodbye my almost lover, goodbye my hopeless dreams.
For the 2 millionth and 22nd time, I can't wait for EOYs to be over in 9 days, it's a single digit now. And B@S - 20 days 20 days 20 days. Then, I can't wait at all for New Zealand, cuz it's an epic photog zone but idk if my camera is any good enough to take any really good photos, dad's only bringing SLR when he comes which is much later. \
One more chapter of geog to study, then it's memorising all the 4 chapters of evaluative measures, limitations and effectiveness (...?), and drawing the diagrams 10 times. Only air pollution left for chemistry, I must ace em !!!!!!
Can't wait to move out of Singapore. I love Singapore, but I really find that there's too little breathing space, too little diversity. (Maybe I don't know any better - but nonetheless).
My head hurts so much, today I also had stomach cramps and my nose bled out of the random. I can't believe the effects of this year's exams on me. Never before, and please - never again. I can't even think. I just want Monday to be over so I can drop almost all my books and stop mugging for the rest of the year.
I've never needed to take panadol for headaches before and this time I did. It's not rly instant but it's better than nothing. Saturday, Sunday - Monday. My two best subjects on the best day, can't be help but need to ace them both. Then it's math and lit and read a lot a lot a lot of essays.
Rly rly can't wait for post eoys post bas. Number one on my list = SLEEPPPPPP. Exams this year are driving me insane and I don't even know what to expect anymore.
